You know what’s more frustrating than not looking as good as I want?
Ah, the despair.
Yes, today I’m delving into the world of internet weight loss bullshittery to bring you the truth.
Because if you are starting out in the gym, or trying to lose weight by eating healthier, you need to know one thing – the fitness world is full of shit.
For every piece of solid nutrition or training advice, there’s a raft of BS that will get you absolutely nowhere.
Infomercials, supplements and ads batter your head with claims that their latest gadget renders all other fitness equipment obsolete. They’ll use lines like “Trainers Hate Us”, insinuating that it’s because they’re putting you on the hidden fast-track to results and telling you “the things they don’t want you to know”.
In reality, “trainers hate us” because they’re talking shit, and putting people into a quick fix mentality that can take years to correct.
And believe me, if a trainer knew the answer to “how to get shredded overnight while eating cake” he’d want you to fucking know about it. (Hey, trainers like money too)
Vibrating myself into oblivion while standing on a flying saucer-shaped plate in my underpants watching morning television is really the best-kept weight loss secret of “Hollywood’s elite fitness professionals”? Really?
No wonder that council worker on the pneumatic drill is fucking shredded.
And then there’s the shake weight, which looks like you are – ahem – training for something entirely different.
You see, I don’t blame people for getting sucked into “The Dark Side” of the fitness industry, with it’s promises of instant results in the comfort of your own home.
Because if you’ve fallen off your diet for the millionth time, or sat in bed binge eating a bar of Galaxy that was in no way intended for one human being – done it many times – it’s fucking easily done.
Watch one late-night infomercial and you’ll see why.
No matter how many qualifications one may have, by the end of a well made 25 minute sell-a-thon, “Hip Hop Abs” can seem like a legitimate scientific breakthrough.
And when celebrities endorse products, it gets even tougher to resist the BS.
Gwyneth Paltrow, for instance, has influenced countless women to smear their face with things that look like they arrived on this Earth via a poop shoot.
And don’t even get me started on the endless line of celebrity weight loss gimmicks which hit the market every year…
I’m sure you know the ones..
“I lost (insert number here) lbs in (insert number between 20-40 here) days with this easy new trick called (insert old technique which has simply been given a new trendy name here) anyone can do at home”
And upon the release of the product, said celeb begins his or her quest to regain all the weight they lost so that the before and after picture on next year’s DVD release is up to par.
Hello wrecked metablism.. fancy meeting you here?!
And it’s only when you wake up the next day that reality kicks in, as we lay covered in invoices for the “Core Blaster 2000” and “Detox Poop Analysis Machine” we bought during a late night “Fuck it, I’ll try anything” shopping spree.
Because in our quest to shift the blob around our gut, we can’t see past the weight loss bullshit for our own hope that it just may work.
And those four words are what the entire “Dark Side” of the fitness industry is based upon.
The Way Of The Weight Loss World
Of course, it’s always been this way.
Before the internet took over, it was fitness magazines.
Heck, as a teenager I remember religiously following the diet and training principles of my idols.
“Mr Olympia eats 8 small meals per day, and trains for two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening!”
Yeah. He’s also ingesting a whole shit-ton of Vitamin S.
Nowadays we have Sandra the pushy mum at the school yard, who makes it her mission to sell you her Detox Package with a 15 minute daily barrage of why she’s better than you.
With her made up title of “well-being coach” – no qualifications required, although an unjustified sense of entitlement is desired – and research**** of how her superfood shake will alkalize your body and cleanse your liver of toxins, she’s the reason you noticed Facebook has a “hide posts” button.
We all know a Sandra.
And while we’d like nothing more than to tie her to a chair and lock her in a room with our 5 year old and a box of non-organic, non-gluten free fucking crayons, we politely listen to her sales pitches on a daily basis. Until, eventually, she wears us down and we say “Okay I’ll try one”.
Yes, you’ve just been “MLM’d”.
The home-based business side of the fitness world is rife, with it’s number one selling tactic being not so much “Let’s make great products” and more-so “Let’s beat people into submission until they buy because they want us to shut up”.
For the next step of her “training” tells her to make you her minion so she can earn a commission from getting you to do the same shit to other people.
Get out. Get out now.
Now, I find dealing with people like this particularly exciting.
I listen to their speeches out of politeness and kindness, and when they ask what I do for a living, I reveal that I’ve been a trainer for over 10 years, have a website that more than 80k people use for workouts, and am known for debunking bullshit weight loss products.
And suddenly I – as well as any parents who quickly moved closer upon hearing said moment go down – am protected by an invisible bullshit forcefield, as she moves elsewhere in the playground, like a lioness hunting for weak dear.
It’s a beautiful moment.
So the next time you feel yourself getting cornered in the schoolyard, repeat after me:
Fuck Off Sandra. Selling shakes doesn’t make you a “coach”.
— RUSS HOWE PTI (@RussHowePTI) October 4, 2016
You see, despite the fact that the fitness industry claims to be there to help you, it doesn’t want you to realize the real “secret” to weight loss.
What’s the real secret?
No, you don’t need a cling film body wrap or a protein shake that claims it’ll tone you.
The secret is that we as humans have the same approach to losing weight now as we did 30 years ago.
Train hard. Eat better. Done.
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**** there is none